We went on a long hike up Lions Head today, a mountain between two ranges right next to the river. From the top of it, you can see an amazing view of both ranges and the glacier nearby. The way up and down is quite steep, though on the way down you are able to do a lot of sliding down the snow since it’s so slick this time of year. Unfortunately on my way down, I lost my lens cap for my camera, though I think the lens looks fine, no scratches. This hike is only a couple of miles away from where I live, and it was a wonderful day off. I went with two of my friends, one being my coworker and the other being a tour guide at the glacier. Me and my friends got food at my work afterwards, and had a movie night after. Really needed a first blog post so I thought I’d make it simple. Today I have been full of inspiration, writing my first blog posts, getting a few sporadic fun paintings done, some drawing, sound design and music related things, transferred photos from my camera to my phone and began editing a couple, what a day. I cannot wait to see what life brings to my doorstep.
I decided to create a website purely because I felt like I needed a project to work on, and as I move a lot, it’s hard to keep all of my art work and creations, so I decided this may be a good place to post what I have created, if you’d want to consider it a portfolio you could, but I would consider it just a personal website to show off to people, improve my coding skills, and creates an incentive to create more. I have a couple of goals and aspirations that I really want to follow through with, and I believe the creation of this website and the following developments to come, will help me get further with my goals. If you’d like to support this journey, just keep checking back!
After a hard days work, all’s I want to do is finish my book, do some writing, and play some games with friends. Odd situation today with a health bill, but it’s not too exciting so I won’t write about it. What game do I plan on playing though? Dead by Daylight, probably one of my favorite games of all time. Hell, I got a damn tattoo of it on my left arm. I have always been a gamer in one form or fashion, but with time I found myself being entertained with other hobbies, being outside more, making more art or music, learning, ugh. Being an adult definitely sucks sometimes, but everyone has that inner child, you need to nurture that inner child. You can’t simply be busy all of the time and expect to be happy, have some fun! Enjoy your fucking life, don’t be one with the corporate slop. Take some time to yourself to delve into a hobby, play a video game, go on a hike, dance, fuck I don’t know, just do something, for you!
Turned out to be a really fun night on Friday, went Bowling with friends, hung out at the bar after for a bit and I got to play pool, but the day at work was definitely draining, I was so ready to get back home. I slept in until 45 minutes before work started, got a shower in, and started my day. Not to say it was a bad day by any means, I was simply, so ready to get home, so I can actually have an interesting and fun rest of my night, do some art, write this blog post, you know the deal. I lost a lens cap on my hike the other day, so I also have to order some of those. Also trying to figure out my next travel plans. I fly from Anchorage to Bozeman september 6th, and then I have my flight to Tokyo the 9th, and my plans after all of that, have yet to be figured out. I am sure I will come up with some fun travel plans, but no need to figure all of that out just yet, just live and see where the wind takes me. I would simply be afraid to go to some places, as I’ll have my laptop, camera, phone etc with me. And also thank god that its finally becoming spring again! I was so done with the cold and dark winter, time has definitely flied and it’s wild how it’s already March, it feels like new years was but only a couple of weeks ago. My roommate moved in with me mid January, the baker came back mid January, and my other two friends got here early and mid February. God, I love Alaska so much, I love my friends, indifferent to the work itself but most importantly, I love the nature here. This is definitely a good buffer between adventures, a good place to save money, and a good place to truly find my place in the world, but eh that’s a life long journey, I don’t need to know my place just yet, but that fact alone doesn’t mean you should stop searching! Enjoy every living moment you have, life is so damn beautiful.
I start work soon, not entirely looking forward to it as presumably it’s supposed to be a busy day today, but that just means more tips, more money saved up for my future expeditions. I am not really trying to spend a ton of money anyways, so I hope after this job is finished up, I should have a good amount of money saved up. We’ll see just how long we’re able to fuck off for, I want to be out traveling for a while and I really do NOT want to worry about my finances, but I mean hey if some people with worse money habits can survive, I am sure that I can too. Let’s just be safe about it, as this will probably be my longest bout traveling by myself, beginning in September. Man, I wish I turned 20 a little sooner, as I am going to Japan not even a month before turning 20 and I want to go club a little! But hey, there is always a time and a place for that, I am sure I will be able to once I travel to other places. I am really looking forward to all of the new people I’ll meet, adventures I’ll have, and I am wondering, did I talk about this exact topic in my last blog post? Not entirely sure, though it’s been on my mind a lot recently, truly. On my days off this week, I plan on updating some of the other aspects of my website, I am using Aseprite to test out a couple of tilings for my backgrounds, but we’ll see what looks best!
I feel an immense amount of drive at the moment. Drive to simply to, better. Maybe its because of the insanely busy day yesterday, maybe it’s the recent sense of having it “figured out”, not fully, but I’ve definitely made some strides. A lot of our stress comes from not having any of our shits figured out, whether it be more personal or with life itself, if that makes any sense. This morning I got a lot of reading done on one of my books, some other things marked off my checklist, plus it’s Monday and I am expecting a couple of things in the mail this week, lots to look forward to, including my paycheck! So, I’m hoping it’s a fairly fat one. Damn, I also need a raise, but I am a little too scared to ask. Regardless, I am still making decent money, I just suppose the tips during the spring may not be very good. Hell I am surprised we’ve been as busy as we’ve been recently. Regardless, another 6 months of working here and then I am back to living life the way I intended. I just want to explore and see the world, learn, have some time off to really work on my hobbies and projects. I will probably repeatedly mention that as it’s something I am really looking forward to. And damn, I am so excited to simply be outside and exploring again. The winter is on it’s tail end, all the snow is starting to melt, the green is going to come back soon enough, bliss.
So many people out in this world are truly vile, I am going to choose not to be one of those people. Yesterday was a really hard day at work, and I plan to move on from that day, we only grow and get better from here. I really need to do some more working out again, I feel like its been a while since I was consistent with it. I am making it a goal to get healthier and better with my habits and my hobbies, really finding the time to work on them, and really giving value to the limited amount of downtime I really have. Work has been burning me out and killing me so much recently, though we will come through the other end unscathed, and I am sure of that. I am going to make the choice to learn from all of my mistakes, and move forward. Learning instead of succumbing will only make you stronger, more passionate, and more human. I refuse to ever allow myself to sulk and cry about past events, and I will only move forward. I am done allowing people to upset me, I am done taking things so personally, we are all human, and I will better acknowledge that going forward. Cheers to new beginnings.
Been pretty lazy today, pretty much just played video games, did some language learning, and now I am realizing that I actually need to do something with my day lol. Well I showered and did some other hygiene related things, but I’m ready to be more productive. I have been in a slight depression and I realize that, the best way to get out of it is to do something! I’ll probably go do some drawing in a moment, work on learning a couple new topics to help with the creation of my website, journal a little (I will also add a journaling section to my website at some point), etc. We’ll see what happens! I am also sooo hungry, haven’t eaten a thing all day! Well I’ll probably get started on all of that, just wanted to write a short post.
Today was an exciting day, work was a bit difficult last week, but the day at work today went super smoothly. I am considering a couple of new ideas for my website, different categories to implement and other slight changes. I am also considering mastering and finishing one of my tracks that I’ve made and posting it on Sound Cloud for people to listen to. Though it is only going to be my first soundtrack post, I don’t expect it to be amazing. Though with time I am sure my music will improve more and more, as I am consuming music production content daily, as well as practicing and creating daily. Regardless, I am also a believer that if you are a creative in one form or fashion, that talent can leak over to other creative endeavors. I feel like my drawings and other art tend to correlate with the music I find myself listening to and creating. Sometimes, Alaska, the state I live in currently, creeps me out. Thankfully the perpetual darkness has ended and we are on the up, more and more sun each and every day. I never felt so thankful for the sun and warmth in my entire life. Though what I really enjoy about living out here is the sheer fact that, it makes you value the little things even more, tasks you with taking life a little slower out here. My patience has definitely increased as things are not as convenient as they used to be, whether it be using the bathroom, getting water, cooking, showering, using the internet, everything. I feel like I will write a synopsis on my experience in Alaska at some point, though my leaving date is six months away from the creation of this post.
Wow, it’s been over a week since I had made my last blog post, guess I just found myself busied up with other things in life, I am currently working on finding a new place and a new job, primarily because I am finding myself not being all too fulfilled at my current job. I love my coworkers, and I love the nature surrounding me, though as a gay male, being in a predominantly conservative christian community Is a little difficult, adding on the fact that it’s a small town, in the middle of nowhere, everybody knows each other’s business. No hate, I simply cannot do this lifestyle. I am young, I am trying to have fun, fuck up, be crazy, and this isn’t the best place to do it. Though, coming to that realization, was a strong turning point in my journey, acknowledging that I may not be as happy as I’d like, it’s a sign that I must work towards being happier, placing myself in a better place, I am looking forward to all of the journeys to come, and all of the obstacles that may be in the way. I am looking forward to the growth and all of the people that I will meet. Even through these weird times of, not knowing what I want, I will inch closer and closer to being my true self.
Thinking about changes I want to make to my website. I already have so much on my plate but the ideas keep pouring. I read a lot of books and find myself wanting to implement a book review section of sorts, but simultaneously I feel like that is too much writing, and I don’t feel entirely passionate about creating book reviews, not really my forte. I am more concerned about documenting my life in a fashion, places I have been, my daily life, my thoughts, my art, and my growth. Book reports wouldn’t really take much of that into consideration, I have other things on my agenda. Though I do plan on remaining somewhat consistent with these posts. I need to update and change some of the pages to my liking, I want to create animated backgrounds on a couple of my web pages, while also finding a fun way to format them so they look professional enough while still being really fun to look at and look through. I am very happy with the outcome of my morning though, listened through one of my tracks and decided that I am going to pour in some time into creating this one track, mastering it to my liking, this is the desired outcome. I don’t want to half ass any music project that I will end up submitting, posting it to sound cloud or whatever. I feel as if I will need more time than I currently have, or I will at least need to finish some other tasks before continuing on this one. I have a hard time prioritizing certain things, though I am working on prioritizing music more.
Ready for the weekend, I am highly looking forward to my time off as I time to work on some other endeavors, I am not entirely sure if it will be a social weekend or not, but if I do end up being social, I’ll wait until the end of the day after I am worn out and burnt out from creating the rest of the day. I want to spend some time on a painting idea that I have, and maybe paint one of my more abstract “dragon” drawings, of which I’ll post on my website whenever I have the Art section set up. Balancing everything can be a little difficult in this day and age, work, social life, sleeping, eating, hygiene, staying active and healthy, while also learning and having downtime, and so much more, ugh. I think it’s a calling that I need to improve my patience, as that’s something I have always lacked. But growing up and making it further and further on the journey of life, I have gotten better at managing everything we must do as functional adults. I feel for being 19, I am doing pretty well. Though, its a necessity that we must grow and learn each and every day, that’s life. If we slow down too much, we get dragged under. Though, sometimes it can be a little difficult to not be dragged under, especially with all of the distractions and things going on in this world. My coworker and friend mentioned how my generation, Generation Z, is probably the most unfortunate of generations, guinea pigs for the technological age. Addiction is so prevalent in my generation, and in certain ways it’s normalized. I try to stay off social media and even my phone as much as I possibly can, though I feel like I fail at it at times.
TGIF. It hasn’t even been a long week, just an incredibly weird one. I am sure going into the following weeks, or hell even the rest of my life, I will be a better person. Not sure how good that grammar is, but I don’t really even care. Hell, its crazy that I’ve lived this long, so at the end of the day, I have that going for me. Anyways, not really planning on doing much with my day, I couldn’t care to really. Woke up too early thins morning, riding out the tire til tonight. I think when I am in this state I have more enjoyment of life anyways, being able to take things slow, not so much worrying about moving from one task to the next. It’s these sorts of days that really give us the ability to recover. Enjoy your day, as any day could truly, be your last! :0
Days like this give you the opportunity to think, gain some sense of introspection. It was quite slow at work today, smoked a joint, and now I’m finding myself unsure of what the rest of my night is going to look like. Work wasn’t tiring at all, but it does eat up the majority of my day, whether it be preparing for work, being at work physically, etc. I try to get a lot of my more busy stuff out of the way whenever I’m at work too, practicing my spanish, I’ll do some drawing and other art at work if I have the chance, I’d like to read more at work but my managers really do get on me about that, can’t be too obvious with certain things. Regardless, it’s important to truly find time for yourself, your hobbies, and time to really just, heal and grow. If there was one piece of advice I wish I could tell everyone, please, acknowledge your fucking mental health. The grass is always greener on the other side.
Not sure what to think of this day, it was completely mediocre. So ready to work somewhere else. My job is excruciatingly boring, and I don’t feel challenged at all. I’ve probably already mentioned that so many damn times, but I don’t even care, it’s the truth. My attention span does not allow me to enjoy the work I do. But aside from that, yeah. Today was completely fine. I picked up a bunch of canvasses and got really into painting tonight. And I also got into a bunch of drawing and music related things, and came up with a couple of new ideas for my website, I’m hoping to get back on working on it soon, my access to WIFI is limited sometimes, so it’s mostly just finding the time, or a way to work on it offline.
Maybe its best that I stop mentioning work. This is a point in my life where there are increments of positive change. Huge increments that is, and I need to continue working on this change so I can exit my current situation. Not to say that my current situation is horrible by any means, though I desire real change, real improvement, and I am currently working on it. It takes huge strides and making the best of the limited time I have, though I have no complaints, I am really interested in putting forth this effort, to become my ideal self. These are the thoughts I have been sitting with most of the day. What will my life look like in the next couple of years, hell what will my life look like within the next couple of months? There will be a bunch of shifts in the course of my life within the next coming months. There is simply a lot of opportunities and things going on in general. I think I am blessed somehow, someway, and things will work out regardless. But I think one pivotal moment will be, whenever I stop complaining how draining and time consuming work is, how much it genuinely takes out of me. This job has been a huge learning experience, and everything happens for a reason. I was meant to work this job, there is something to learn, something to gain from working there. Stay blessed, and know that you are loved.
Spring is right around the corner and I can feel it, you can see a little growth on the trees, it’s not absolutely freezing but just a little freezing, and I can finally walk outside with only a tank top and a flannel. I appreciate the winter, though especially out here in Alaska, and especially where I live out in Alaska, it can be a bit dreary and barren, not a ton of social interaction, while also not having a ton to do unless you like snow sports, and even then the snow sports can show to be a bit pricy and at this point in my life, I am trying to save money as much as I can. I’ll splurge just a little bit occasionally, though I highly prefer that I save my money. I am mostly saving simply because I want to feel secure while traveling, not worrying so much money but also being quite frugal with it, as I want to get some music equipment and a car whenever I get back to the states. With that being said, I still have everything I need, and I still splurge occasionally. I went to town this weekend and spent some time at the coffee shop, wandering about town, getting dinner, as these are things I don’t do horribly often so why not enjoy the moment. The town I refer to as “town” is about an hour or so away from where I live, that’s where the nearest grocery store is, the nearest anything really. When I say I live in the middle of nowhere, I mean I live in the middle of nowhere. As a gay male who has mostly ever lived in cities, it is showing to be a bit difficult for me. Well, I haven’t always lived in big cities, but I’ve always been within 30 minutes of a metro area. But it could be worse, there are a lot of little tiny fly in villages with very few people and very little to do, imagine being raised there, I wonder what your perspective on the world would be like? Gives you some perspective on how different people may think.
Finding myself in a weird mood as of late, had some really interesting dreams as I was dozing back off this morning that made me really wonder. I didn’t wonder about anything particularly, mostly just some retrospection and thinking about my current situation in life. “Am I happy?”, “Am I giving myself enough time to simply relax?”, “What can I even do with my life?”, “What will my life look like in the next couple of years?”, but maybe it’s good that I think these things. It’s good to push through the hardships and it’s good to build these healthy habits, and writing these blog posts are something I am trying to stay consistent with, whether or not I post them regularly, I still have them made and typed up, which is good enough for the time being. I find myself being too busy with work to do most things, so I usually have to wait until my weekend to commit to any longer projects. I’ll always get some of my hobby related tasks done during the work days, but I can’t just pull my laptop out and work on music or my website, at work. Granted I always try to get at least a little music making done before or after work, I simply feel so drained at times after work, or maybe I didn’t sleep the best during the night. Sometimes I get pretty burnt out and tired from all the pressure I put onto myself, though we always manage to push through. You become a stronger person whenever you adapt and grow from the pains in your life, and that strength defines you. Know that you are loved and you are cared for, you got this!
Surprised I even made the decision to write a blog post tonight, as today has been such a long day altogether. We were all out enjoying the fire, the warmth, as the warmth is finally coming back in Alaska after such a long damn winter, enjoying some drinks and enjoying the company of friends. Today at work was inversely, such an uneventful day. Though, I believe the highlight of my day was whenever my coworker and friend allowed me to use some of his guitar stuff, of which he purchased a sound system and amp for, and he even showed me how to use it all. I think that marked a point in our friendship, having the time to enjoy music together and really sharing that enjoyment with each other. Makes me want to commit more time to it. Though, I don’t want to shunt myself away from everybody completely in order to work on my music shit, though I really think I’ll need more time to myself to figure it out, simply because I don’t have the friends nor the space to really work on music with. Many of my friends in Alaska enjoy music, but it’s typically not the same type of music that I would really enjoy creating. Though, playing instruments is really helpful to learning more about music production. Well, life is good, and I am open to whatever path I get placed down.
Happy April! Even though snow is still covering the ground, it’s still below 40 degrees, the sun is coming back out and we’re gaining 9 minutes a day, really looking forward to the eternal sun we’re going to have in the depth of summer. And on top of that, we’re not going to have to deal with the shitty winter this coming up one, as I will begin traveling again in early September. Though, I am planning on being in Europe around Christmas time to meet up with my family and a couple of other friends, so I am hoping this all works out as planned. Well, I am not even trying to plan things out so much as I want to leave some room open for frivolity. I think it’s good to think ahead, and it’s good to plan, though there’s a point with planning where it simply doesn’t make sense anymore. It’s good to live life with an open mind and a open heart, as genuinely anything could happen, and as humans we must adapt to these changes. Regardless, it’s so nice to finally be off work for the weekend. Work was extremely draining this week, but cheers to the weekend. I am most likely finally, going to work on a couple of updates for my website. I am trying to create backgrounds for some of the web pages that I am going to put up, but it’s also creating art for these web pages that I’ll have to work on as well. This website will mostly be used to mark my journey, something to look back on as the years fly by. There will be much to learn, so come with me on this journey of life.
Something’s off in the air, or at least it feels that way.. Couldn’t tell you why but I’ve been in an incredibly weird mood today. I’m sure it’ll pass. Writing is one of my favorite things to do when I get placed in a mood like this, it’s nice to get my thoughts down. I use both a journal and my notes app on my phone to do this, my notes are much easier to use simply because I bring my phone everywhere with me, my journal isn’t something I can necessarily hold in my pocket. Though, before work and not too long after I wake up, I’ll try to get at least a page down, because being daily and consistent with it is the most important part. Though, I am extremely proud of myself for everything I did last night, I was quite restless for a little while and instead of not doing anything with my time, I did something with my time. I did some working out, I played guitar for about an hour straight, I did a little drawing, but the part that made me the happiest was the fact that I did nearly 150 push-ups, and I have been quite lazy with exercise as of late. I want to get a rocking body before the summer, and my arms have always been super tiny. Well, no better time than now to start working on it again! I have a decent amount of free time, sometimes. Work can really chew at that free time, it’s more so finding a way to economically use my time so I can balance my hobbies, that’s the most difficult part.
Woke up today craving a chill day, thankfully that’s how it’s been at work as with the change of seasons, the Glacier (the biggest tourist attraction where I live) is extremely slow, and it’ll be closing for a month in about two weeks, hence we’ve had no business, so I basically get paid to sit around at work and draw all day, which is amazing, mainly because I need more time to work on my hobbies. I’m really going to enjoy the slowness before we’re slammed for three months straight this summer, which will be nice in it’s own ways because my tips will be extremely good. I mean the main reason I work this job is to make some good money, save some good money, and I’m sure by the end of the job, I’ll have made some bank, and I’ll be able to stretch it for a while in order to travel, and have some time off to work on my projects. I’ll probably make some real updates to my website whenever I have these nine days off coming up, I haven’t made all too many plans as of yet, a couple but not many, so I should ideally have most of the time off to myself. It’s wild how everything works itself out, hell the same time last year my life was entering a period of major instability, and I’m so grateful for the stability I have out here, hell I practically have my own place, even though it’s small and I share it with a roommate, it’s still my own place right? I do wish I had a little more privacy as you can literally hear everything going on in the house, as the walls are so damn thin, but you make it work! And I wouldn’t be opposed to having a workstation to work on, as I have to go to work to use their WIFI, and my desk is just one of the empty tables, but nobody really minds if I set up shop.
Essentially went AWOL for the last couple of days, as I have been so busy with work and finding a new place to live in town, as I finally made the decision to quit my job! I found a place to live, thankfully, and now I am in the process of finding work. I am taking a little break from music production endeavors though until I leave this current job. I will be continuing to learn and work on my guitar skills and my music theory until then, though, I am currently so burnt out, and I’ve been sleeping in a lot recently as it’s been so so needed. Though, there’s nights when my insomnia really kicks in, and I’ll gain a burst of energy and revitalization, it’s learning to gather the willpower to utilize that energy, instead of just remaining In bed. Though, I’ve been doing a lot of writing as of late, whether it be in my journal, or in my notes on my phone while in bed or at work, I’ve been on and off with my blog posts though I’ve been consistent enough, it’s more so a matter of posting them more often. Been having some super weird and insane dreams as of late regarding my future travels, I am really hoping everything goes according to plan, though I seem to be doing fine enough in life, I am not all too scared of the future, thankfully.
Simply counting down the days until I leave this god forsaken town! I realized how difficult it is for me to tolerate being so isolated from everything and everyone. My main goal is to make up as much money as I can, before I am left on my own again to pay rent, buy more of my own groceries, etc. Though, I think the main idea is to live as cheaply as possible. Yes, I am still going to find a job for when I move, but it’s smart to have a backup plan in case things don’t really work out as they’re supposed to. Though, eating cheaply and JUST eating cheap may not be the healthiest option, as yes you can survive solely off of instant Ramen, though is that truly the healthiest option? Probably not. And I’ll still want to treat myself to the occasional coffee date or eating out, even though it won’t be all too common, I still want to enjoy my life! Though, I am hoping to spend a lot of time outdoors this summer, creating art, being active, etc. Alaska definitely isn’t the nicest place in the winter and even the spring, as it’s April and there’s still snow falling, though the light at the end of the tunnel, is the summertime! Remember, life is good.
I fell into a bit of a depression today, though I am pulling through better than I thought I would initially. The sound of my friends playing their songs on piano and ukulele, brought up my mood a bit. I swear, how everything will change once I move out of this god forsaken town. It’s all I’ve been thinking about, maybe I need not express my thoughts on my blog, but it’s my blog and I can do what I want, plain and simple. Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t have easily accessible internet or a work space, that makes things quite difficult for me. But I digress. Everything will get better and better, as long as I allow myself to let things improve. I shouldn’t compare myself to others as much as I really do, as we all have our flaws, our pros and our cons, and we all excel at different things, we all do things at different paces, and we are all on our own journey’s, independently but also together. We are all moving simultaneously in our own directions, but it’s purely your choice whether or not you decide to push through, or fall back and fail. You can blame your past as much as you’d like, but at the end of the day, you need to move on and become stronger. I’ve fallen, and gotten back up so many times. But with each rise, you learn something new, and let that new found knowledge push you further towards your goals.
Today is simply one of those days. Depression is hitting a little harder, as the circumstances of my life seem to be quite complex, as per usual. No privacy, while also being so isolated and lonely. No space to really be myself. All my stuff is split up between three states in three separate hostile environments. These are the days that make me feel unloved, not cared for, hated, disdained, but through all of these negative emotions, I find a sense of hope, a sense that things will get better, and a sense that all will return to normal, a sense that things will eventually fall into place. One of the largest challenges I am currently facing, is finding a place to belong, a place to be around awesome like-minded individuals, a place to really blossom. I have never had that place, or that support, and I feel like most of the love I’ve received in my life has come with a set of stipulations and expectations, and if I didn’t meat those expectations, then that love is to be pulled right from under me, and I slip into a abyss of negativity and self-hatred. But lest you find yourself in this place, do not let yourself be taken over by negativity and sadness, be grateful for your experience. These experiences and the way you feel about them, are unique to you, it’s but one ebb and flow in the river of life. Lest you stop swimming, remain stagnant, then you are simply pushed along with the current in a confused daze. Lest you tackle life, as within the darkness, there is always a light. Radiate, and do not succumb to these hardships. Everybody needs that room to breathe, so find the ability to grow. And please for heavens sake, do not let just anybody into your life, you NEED to care about yourself! That’s the one thing that people fail to take into account. You want positive people in your life, people that won’t ruin your vibration. Please for the love of god, pick and choose your people. Don’t feel bad for not letting just anybody, access to your person. Please for the love of god, take care of not only yourself, but also your psyche. AND PLEASE. Listen to your self and your gut feeling. Do what’s right for you, you deserve it. You are loved and cared for, even if you don’t think you are. There is always that person out there that’s thinking of you.
I’ve overcome so many challenges over the last couple of days, you always make it to the other side! Til’ ya don’t! It’s these moments that truly shape you as a person, right? When life gets hard, you gotta take the punches. I would say I am very lucky compared to most people who have been through, similar life events. I should’ve died many many times, but guess what, I am still here! My childhood was a complete mess, and I am through, letting it affect me negatively, ANY MORE! It’s time for me to rise above the ashes, become something better.
It’s insane how things can change so quickly, just two days ago my life felt like it was in shambles, and now? I applied back to school for Graphic Design and Web Design Online, I filled out my FAFSA, I am on the path of finding a new job I actually enjoy, and everybody at work is being nice to me? Plus, I already have a good couple of friends in the new city I’m mowing to! Though, one thing I am quite skeptical about at the moment, is the fact that I may have to move back to my home state of Missouri just to be able to afford school, get a car, and the other music/art supplies I’ve been dying to have. I asked my grandmother and my aunt if I could move back in with them, so we’ll see what they say, as my aunt lives in my grandmothers old home, and my other grandparents live not too far away. So, guess we’ll see! I am really looking forward to having a week or two off work to start working on my website a little more, I have been learning so much more about web design and programming websites as of late, so maybe I’ll have something interesting to implement soon! Though, one thing I found interesting about my studies recently, was when I was researching accessible web design, if that’s how you word it? Essentially making your website more accessible to people with disabilities, whether it be making it more accessible for people who are visually impaired, or ones that use a keyboard to navigate the website. Maybe I’ll research more into how to implement that on to my website? As this will become a long term project for me. I started it nearly six months ago, but I have remained quite consistent with my blog portion at least. I am going to do a photo shoot with all of the art I’ve found myself to really love, and I’ll start designing these parts of the website to post this art on.
I feel strong as of late. Maybe it’s just a rebound from the place I was days prior. But the more time I just have to reflect and think of my life, damn, I’ve been through the wringer. If I haven’t touched on this in prior blog posts, I was ran over by a truck a little two years ago, February 12, 2023, three months before graduating high school (I was only seventeen, set to graduate a year early with 30+ credits), but this accident ruined a lot of my plans, and I couldn’t go back to school until the end of the year, and everything felt so, off. I then tried to go to school all the way across the country, dropped out, and ended up homeless only a couple of months after, on drugs, fuck. It makes me feel brave and powerful that I made it out of that situation, a lot of people succumb to the pain, but I made the best of my situation, and got back up again, that’s what you got to do, or else you get left behind. I got into online college a couple of days ago, and I start in June. I am a sophomore in college already, I’m going to be traveling until December or January, life is a lot better than I give it credit of being. I plan on moving back to my home state to settle down a little (even though I have no desire to be there), but I’ll have some family in the area, maybe a couple of friends, and I’ll be able to get into music and art again, while being able to go to school and save money, so it’s good that I go back, even if it’s just for a little while until I can go back out on my own. Guess we’ll see what adventures I end up going on then!
Yeah, I really need to lock in more, I really need to find a place to settle down and get more in tune with my self and my goals. Hm, only if it was so easy, right? Maybe things will get better, maybe they won’t. I guess we’ll just have to see on that one right? I think its good to remain positive, I feel as if I am a pessimist at heart, I think I am capable of nothing and that I’ve repeatedly wasted my time, again and again. But the thing I am trying to relearn is how to love myself, and how to trust in myself. Yeah, life is so freaking hard, but maybe there’s something to learn in that all, a message? I am finding my calling, and I am moving towards a better tomorrow. I think every day comes with its ups and its downs, I think it’s these emotions that make you feel, try human. Though, it makes me happy that I had my last day of work today, and I am moving out of this town! I am ready to explore brand new horizons, see more of the world, meet new people, have awesome new experience, with all the new gained knowledge we have about life. I feel like I’m spewing out gibberish, but I don’t care! It made me really happy to write this, knowing that I’ll look back at these in a couple of years time. I want to note the growth I’ve had over the years, I think that’ll be a super awesome experience.
Tomorrow is going to be quite the busy day it seems, working on my move, getting a bunch of errands done such as sorting what to give away and what to keep, going to the store and getting all of the essentials that I’ll need, and hell I am so damn ready to get out and about more, and all of the snow is finally melted out in town, less so here. Where I live compared to Anchorage, it gets colder here, and the snow stays out for later, while also getting greener later. But once you make it to Anchorage this time of year, you’re able to see the green growing back on the trees, it’s past mere budding, and it’s not even fully dark by 11:30 this time. But if you make the choice to live up here, be ready for long cold winters, it’s your decision whether you want to stick them out or not. Damn, I’m a lot more tired than I first thought, well moving and getting everything ready to go back to school, is all quite tiring in its own right. Though, I think it’s good to remain consistent with these sorts of things you see growth happening in. I think it can be a lot of fun to write these posts, without much limitations to what I can or cannot write. I can in all reality, just write a bunch of gibberish, and who cares? I think I am at yet another pivotal point in my life, I just want stability for the time being, so lets simply work on finding that stable place in life. Let’s focus on finding the right people to settle down and live with, lets focus on finally finding our place in such an odd world. I am dying to get outside more, or in all reality I am dying to simply work towards the me that I really want to be. So, lets keep trucking along, we’ll get there eventually.